The Princess and the Plan
by Daria234
Summary: Humorfic. A clever princess wants to escape the tower the evil Duke locked her in. Warnings for language and for people who can't read non-hetero sex - don't read if you don't like.


Written for comment_fic on livejournal

Prompt was for Fairy Tale, prince/male villain

Once upon a time there was a princess who was trapped in a tall tower that nobody could reach. She was kept there by the evil Duke of Snarl. The Duke had planned to marry the lovely princess when she was just a teenager, as was the custom in their time, but a witch had come to the Duke's palace on the night of the engagement party.

"You dirty old man!" she said.

"Hey, I don't have a choice, lady. She's the only woman around who's of my class and not closely related to me. Besides her parents are long gone, she's lucky I'm taking her in."

The witch narrowed her eyes. "Mark my words, Duke. You will not marry this girl.... Now someone pack up some of that pork loin for me to go, I've got a long journey home."

"Stupid open-door-policy," the Duke muttered to his advisors, "Just a gesture to the commonfolk, you said."

After that, though, nobody would let the Duke marry until they were able to find a powerful enough witch to reverse the curse. So the evil Duke locked the princess in a remote tower to make sure nobody else would touch her precious body before he could.

The story of the trapped princess spread throughout the lands, occasionally exaggerating the princess' beauty. Naturally, a resourceful and brave young prince from a neighboring kingdom came to take his shot.

The princess first noticed him when a pebble flew through her tiny tower window and into her soup, spilling the only meal she would get until sunrise.

"Who the fuck are you?" the princess yelled as she leaned out the window.

"I am your rescuer, my fair lady. My name is Prince Manley."

"How are you going to rescue me?"

"Let down your hair and I shall climb up it!"

"First, ouch. Second, my hair is shoulder-length."

"Oh. Um, perhaps we can ask your fairy godmother for help."

"My what now?"

"Your -- never mind."

"Look unless you have something that counters gravity, I think I'm stuck."

"That counters what?"

"Gravity. The Englishman Isaac Newton discovered it recently. Don't you read?"

"Yes, fair princess, I read all the romances."

"Terrific. Just, let me think of a plan tonight and come back tomorrow. And thanks for coming to free me. That's a really nice thing to do for someone you don't even know."

"How could I turn down the chance to save my future bride?"

"Your what?"

"We shall live happily ever after," Prince Manley said as he mounted his horse. As he rode away, he called, "I shall see you tomorrow my princess!"

The princess sighed. "Great. Lunatic future husbands, two-for-one special."

******************

_It's not that they're bad-looking,_ the princess thought to herself. _The Duke is damn sexy-looking in his leather tunic, with his dark round eyes and his dark hair flecked with just a touch of gray. His intense gaze, his thick lips, his powerful arms. His intelligence in dealing with foreign affairs, his ability to speak eight languages._

_Yes_, the princess thought to herself, _if it were just a one-night-stand, I would hit that in a heartbeat. But being a Duke's wife, I would be hardly any more free than I am in this remote tower._ the princess told herself. _I need to think of a way to get out of here.  
_  
But instead her thoughts turned again to toward the two men. As she pictured them, she started thinking about what they would be like in bed, and soon after she thought about what they would be like in bed together. Limbs and muscles everywhere, deep grunts coming from both their mouths. As the princess enjoyed the image, it suddenly struck her. She knew how she would get out of this tower.

And the prince, Manley. He was pretty nice-looking too. Kind of dumb, but maybe he would grow out of that. Again, it would suck to have to live with forever, but she wouldn't kick him out of bed. And he was so eager and earnest and desperate to please, wide blue eyes under floppy blond hair. And his legs were thin but muscular. And his ass. Being trapped in a damn tower this long, the princess had the urge to just bite into one of those perfect cheeks.

Okay, I have been stuck here way too long,

The next day, as she said hello to the servant on the ground below who was hoisting up her breakfast she said, "Any news about my fate?" She was always trying to win the Duke's faithful servant over to her side, hoping for an ally, but apparently they were called faithful servants for a reason. Norbert had picked up on the fact that she didn't really want to get married and had been hinting for months that she should just accept it.

"No, princess, no change. But I do not doubt that he will find a way to marry you."

"Thank you, Norbert, for your honesty. I know that you're the only one I can trust. I am so worried."

"Worried?"

"Can I confide in you, Norbert? I heard once about someone who tricked a woman into drinking a love potion. The woman demanded to marry that man immediately. The man was afraid because a wizard had forbidden the match, but because the marriage happened under the spell of a love potion, neither husband or wife could be held accountable and the wizard had to rescind the curse. I am just so worried that the Duke might hear this story, and then I will be forced to give my hand in marriage."

"Fear not princess, I am sure nobody even knows where to find a love potion."

"What about that elderly woman who lives on the island where the rivers meet? Legend has it she has a potion that will make anyone fall in love with the first person they see holding a rose in his hand."

"Her? That old witch? Well, maybe.... But do not worry, princess! I am sure the Duke has not thought of this."

"Great. See you later!"

Later, when Prince Manley came to ask the Princess what her plan was, she told him to come back at sunset and gave him instructions.

That evening, the Duke himself brought her dinner, complete with roasted hen, honey cakes, and wine, and a vase of roses. The Duke looked very confident.

But the princess knew enough to hide her confidence.

She pretended to see a bug on one of the roses and threw it out the window, feigning panic. She dropped her napkin during dinner and when he leaned over to pick it up, she switched their plates and glasses. And when she heard a horseman outside the tower, she said "Please, Duke, go look to see who it is."

"Probably just one of my servants."

"No, please, it could be a dragon!"

"Why would a dragon ride a horse?"

"Just check!"

The Duke sighed, and went to the window and looked outside. The Prince, as instructed, had picked up the rose on the ground and held it in his hands as he looked up to the Princess' window.

Seeing Manley, the potion kicked in and the Duke fell head over heels in lust. He rushed out of the princess' room, down the stairs, and out of the tower, not even bothering to lock the doors behind him. The princess grabbed her bag from under her bed and ran out of the tower to find her freedom.

As she reached the outside of the tower, she took just a few minutes to appreciate the cleverness of her own plan. She watched as the the Duke grabbed the Prince by the blond hair on the back of his head and kissed him so energetically that even the third party could see the motion of the Duke's tongue in Manley's mouth. The Prince reacted with a moment of confusion but then quickly responded favorably to the hands and mouth of the more experienced man. Insatiable, the Duke tongued and sucked and scraped his teeth along Manley' shoulders and chest and stomach, ripping the Prince's fine clothing off as he went. The Prince's head was thrown back in moans, but soon he took initiative and started undoing the strap that held the Duke's pants. The two muscular bodies writhed together making noises that were considerably less attractive than the ones that the princess had imagined the night before.

Nonetheless, it was still a lovely thing to behold. The princess was tempted to stay and continue to watch, but knowing this was her only chance, she took full advantage of the distraction. She took their horses and their swords and rode off to a far off land, where she had many grand adventures of her own and lived happily ever after.

The Duke and the Prince decided to stay together, and the Duke was happy that he found someone of appropriate class status, and the Prince's parents were happy he finally moved out of the house. They didn't exactly live happily ever after, though, since they had little in common and fought frequently.

But even when they were both well into old-age, their bodies grayer and weaker but energetic still, the sex between the Duke and the Prince never stopped being great.


End file.
